I'm negotiating unknown territory here, I've swum into the second trimester had the amazing 12 week scan and the dreaded wait for test results and now... well now I'm at a crossroads. I am discovering that there are two very clear views on whether to find out baby's sex or not, and the weight of feeling that lies behind them both. So which side am I on? Whose team am I going to join? And will the decision I make now affect any potential friendships I could have made with other mummy's? Will I find myself shunned?
Seriously all this turmoil - I mean you'd think being pregnant and growing the buglet was tough enough, now there's a whole social maze to contend with. Now here, it might be wise to tell you a little bit about the kind of person I am, then it might give you an idea of the way I lean!
Right from my earliest memory I've been an impatient little soul, nothing could be done or happen quick enough, and everything was too exciting, like everything. Christmas, well, Christmas was another level of excitement... I still have my little diary from when I was 9 years old listing not only all my presents and declaring undying love for my parents (yes I was that kind of child)! But also how I had woken up at 2am and started creeping towards unwrapping my presents and loud whispering to my older sister that Father Christmas had been and it looked good... before the bat like ears of parents told me to promptly get back into bed, go to sleep and for the love of god wake them and the world up at a reasonable time. So at 5am I was awake and all my stocking presents were unwrapped. If you're lucky I'll show you a picture of my impatient scrawling all down on a bright pink writing pad... naturally!
Birthdays were guaranteed to be an overexcited meltdown, and one year my birthday coincided with sports day... it was all too much. I don't quite remember how it happened but I do remember the name of the teacher and the smell of that horrible squidgy plastic ball that I had to try and throw a certain number of times into a bucket to get my concentration back on the game. We did sports day as little teams and the team with the most points won, now I had decided in my birthday haze to go for a little random run around the field when I should have been competing, I think I might have been pretending to be a bird, or a fairy princess, you know just the standard 6 year old thing to do. Obviously I was costing my furious team mates from older years precious points and I was caught by the dreaded Mrs Gaunt with the short hair and shrewish face and smokers voice who frankly petrified us all. She made me do her station and gave me a stern telling off about what a babishy thing to do, especially when it was my birthday and I should have been a big girl. In retrospect that doesn't seem so harsh, but to the 6 year old brain being told you're a baby... oh the shame, it just couldn't be more humiliating.
Nevertheless the day was somewhat cheered up when mummy said I could have an ice cream on the way home, so I asked the ice cream man for the biggest ice cream and flake he had (what can I say... I liked my food), he indulged me and honestly it's a wonder that thing stayed on the cone. It was like watching a very fat person negotiate perching into a rather snug seat, everything was rippling over, barely contained, it was compulsive viewing. I remember my mummy's shocked face, and also the horror as she realised the hyperactive child she would be left with should I be allowed to eat the lot. So, when we were out of sight she brushed half of the ice cream into a bush so it was half the size, oh the outrage, the sense of small person injustice, I was furious. Twice my excitement had been thwarted and now it was time to let the world know in the only way a toddler can, full blown, fist banging tantrum.
Back to adult Lottie and I still like to open my birthday cards before my birthday, it doesn't spoil the surprise you silly people, it just means I can have my cards up on display for longer. I like to think people are getting their money's worth when they send me a card, and I get to look at their kindness for a little longer. In fact, if I'm being perfectly frank I'm one of the strange breed of people who just CANNOT stand surprises, despite the best intentions of others, just let me know first and then it's the most wonderful 'surprise' in the world. I'm a control freak, I hate being unprepared and feeling out of my depth.
So when it comes to my baby, I was dying to know, I was berated left right and centre by people telling me to wait until the 20 week scan. But the wonderfulness of the modern world and advances in technology means that I could pay to find out, and that was exactly what I intended to do. I'm not saying what I did was right or wrong, all I'm saying is it was right for me, and that my gorgeous people is ultimately from being a Mumma is all about... doing what feels right for you. So if you don't want to find out, then don't, and if you feel that magic moment when it arrives then that's just awesome. But if you do want to know, then know, and don't feel judged for being anything other than true to your nature.
Oh and by the way it's a girl, a beautiful baby girl. She's only sixteen weeks so we've got a long way to go and we're by no means out of danger, but at the moment, me and my girl are doing good.